"Scream for your life and kill your wife,"
Cried the Preacher,
"It's the end of the Christian Era."

"You'll never make it; no need to fake it,"
Giggled the Antichrist,
"Just put on an Otis Redding record and start the dance."

Life,
With it's amazing sensations,
With its scintilating sounds,
With it's vivacious visions,
With it's yummy tastes,
And so on.

Life,
With its natural elements,
Its unnatural elements,
And all its other elements,
And so on.

Life,
With its death, with its birth,
With its girth, with its earth
With its stars and its bars and its buildings
And poison and power
And flowers and showers
And children and viruses
And get rich quick schemes
And all that other life stuff
And so on and so forth and so on

This is life the one you get so go and have a ball
This is life,
Don't worry, it will kill you,
Don't worry, it's delicious,
Don't worry,
It'll all be over sooner than Shiva can open an eye.

One day, his family took him to an Italian restaurant.
The boy had never had Italian food,
And was mesmerized
By all the exotic sounding names of the dishes.
He asked about the lasagne,
And it sounded delicious,
So he ordered it.
He ate the lasagne, and it was delicious.

Willy went outside.
He love to breathe fresh air,
But he went outside anyway.
He headed across the street to visit his good friend Bob.

When Willy got to Bob's house, he found that Bob,
In utter despair,
Had shot himself in the head.
"Some people have no patience whatsoever!"
Willy proclaimed,
"Well, I'm not killing myself.
"I'm sticking it out.
"Today is a special day,
"The last day of planet Earth,
"And I'm going to enjoy myself.
"Maybe today,
"I won't go to the health spa,
"Maybe I'll just hang out here and drink all of Bob's beer.
"Or maybe, when Bob's wife comes home,
"I'll take her out dancing.
"Yeah, That's it! Dancing!
"I'm going to go home and get changed!"

Would I have more to say if I didn't have a phone?
Would my life look like eggplant toupee Aunt Jemimah stuffing mix?
Would Cary Granite and Mr. Slate be a part of my rock and roll fantasy?
Would the Pillsbury Doughboy step on glass and giggle?
I wanna know!

Would the dogs be barking in barbershop quartets
While Mama stands on the porch crying,
"Come home now son, it's the Apocalypse, come on home?"
Would it be the end,
Would it really be the end,
Or would it start all over again?
Time to learn the mongoose dance
Time to talk to people and hear what they say
Time for clear thought
Opposum pudding pie pops
A vast assortment of new products for the home and office

And will there be chandelier burgers?
And will there be pretzels and hot dogs for everyone,
and glow in the dark pork and
beans avec arroz y con pollo?
Will the sky turn white in the middle of the night?
And when will I be loved?
Is this my beginning or is this the end?
Are the dinosaurs exploding,
Are they rising out of the earth
To replace Dan Rather and Charlemagne?

I wish I could sit on soft pillows and drink molten lava.
I wish I could make love to the sky.
I wish I could eat the corn of joy and sorrow.
I wish the sky was green and my body was bright blue.
I wish I could talk sideways and backwards.
I wish I could drive the tractor of innocence,
And return to the life I never knew.
I wish I could drink chocolate champagne.
I wish I had that fax number.
I wish nothing could mean something
And that everybody could have everything.

Some wishes come true.
Some of these wishes will come true.
Others are destined to be dreams differed,
Shriveling up like grapes with suntans.
But all is not lost.
No, all is not lost.
Not yet.

I wish I had three eyes.
But of course, I have three eyes.
I have clairvoyant paranoia
I have precognitive disonance
I have many ways of seeing at my disposal
I have a garbage disposal, dinner plans and dog biscuits
I have many many options and a strong sense that freedom is within,
Where I shall never find it.

One of my favorite foods to eat is called corn.
The Indians call it , "maize."
We call the Indians , "Indians."
This is because Columbus thought he was in India
When he first came to this land.
Some people say we should call the Indians, "Native Americans,"
'Cause they were here in America before us,
But before us,
This land wasn't called, "America."
It was named "America" by a mapmaker who never even came here.
He just lived in Europe
And made maps and when he found out about this land,
He just made a map of it,
And just put his name on it,
'Cause he could.
That's the way we are.
We're pigs.

It's a yellow dandelion
It's a yellow dandelion

It's a caramel candy apple
It's a caramel candy apple
It's a ticket to Disneyland Deathcamp
It's a ticket to Disneyland Deathcamp

It's about a half an hour away by car
It's about a half an hour away by car

And she tore my heart out of my chest
And I asked for it
I begged for every bit of it
And I loved it
I loved every minute of it

My eyes are open and bleeding
My mouth is full of dirt
For you I would kill anything
For you I would drown in blood

Sex with you
And sometimes food
And maybe a movie or play
Some sleep, but not too much at all
Is really all I want

Sex, food, movie play, sleep...shower!
A shower with you and some shampoo
Would be oh so good

The boy walked over to the church.
It was the tallest building in town,
But the boy loved the beautiful minister's daughter.
He focused on the very top of the church and said to himself,
"I think I can, I think I can."
Then he huffed and he puffed
And he jumped over the church.
There, on the other side of the church,
Was the minister's daughter,
Waiting for him with open arms.

I didn't come to tell you 'bout the Holy Grail
I didn't come to tell you 'bout a President Quail

I didn't come to tell you 'bout the hexagrams
I didn't come to tell you 'bout the 12 step programs

(Don't) listen to me

I didn't come to tell what you're gonna find
I didn't come to tell you 'bout the wisdom mind

I didn't come to tell you not to swallow that baloney
I didn't come to tell you 'bout the fish that played the ponies

I didn't come to give you any good advice
I didn't come to tell you 'bout the antichrist
I didn't come to tell you 'bout the love that's overflowing
I didn't come to tell you 'bout the cloud of unknowing
I didn't come to tell you what the future's gonna bring
I didn't come to tell you 'bout the Tao Te Ching
I didn't come to tell you how to set yourself free
I didn't come to tell you not to listen to me

I didn't come to tell you how to stop that war
I didn't come to tell you what you're fighting for

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
REMOVE YOUR MIND AT ONCE AND TURN IT IN TO THE AUTHORITIES
THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING
VIOLATORS WILL BE PERMANENTLY EXILED TO PARADISE
THE YEAR IS ONE
THIS IS THE CONCLUSION OF ONE SERIES
AND THE INITIATION OF ANOTHER

It makes me see red
It makes death crawl all over me,
Makes my mucsles tighten
And all I can think of is how much I would love
To put my body through a paper shredder

It makes me want to impale myself on a bed of nails
Or jump into the big black cauldron of boiling oil
It makes me want to twist my body round and round,
Tie myself in knots,
Tear myself in half,
Scream for joy and die and die and die and
When it gets like this,
I just don't know what to do with myself
I'm helpless,
And I don't want your help,
And there's nothing you can do anyway
I just want to end it all
And it never ends
It never ends

I'd like to go to Scotland
And show off my two thighs
I'd like to wear a mini kilt
And poke you in the eyes